Giggles, Snickers & Thoughts for the day:
Most of my books have a little light
relief in them, so why shouldn't I have the same on my website?
Gleaned from anywhere and everywhere, I
hope they bring a smile to your face.
Please feel free to send me your
suggestions via the contacts page.
My New Year resolution for 2016 is to achieve the goals I
set in 2015, that I promised to do in 2014, that seemed like a good idea in 2013...
31st Dec: Apparently, the average person has sex 65 times
a year. If that is the case, this promises to be an awesome New Year's Eve!
30th Dec: Are average things made in a
satisfactory?
29th Dec: If you go to the bathroom on December 31st at
11:59 pm, take care - you risk being in there for the rest of the year.
28th Dec: My son gave me £100 saying, "Buy something that
will make your life easier." I went out and bought a present for my wife.
27th Dec: This morning I told my wife I thought she was
drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised!
26th Dec: Last night my mother taught me all about Old
Testament Religion with one phrase: "You'd better pray that comes out of the carpet."
25th Dec: I've just deleted all of the German names from
my phone. It's now Hans free.
24th Dec: Everyone needs a lifetime objective. Mine isn't
to live forever, but to create something that will.
23rd Dec: My favourite childhood memory is not paying
bills.
22nd Dec: Never do the same mistake twice...Unless she's
hot!
21st Dec: Is it rude to toss a sleeping pill in to
someone's mouth while they are talking?
20th Dec: For as long as I can remember I've had
amnesia.
19th Dec: Of all the lies I have told, "Just kidding!" is
my favourite.
18th Dec: Insult of the day: "Could you take a step back
please, I have a nut allergy."
17th Dec: There's nothing quite like sitting by an open
fire...watching the evidence burn.
16th Dec: Major Pita: "Bradbury. I didn't see you at
camouflage training this morning." Me: "Thank you sir."
15th Dec: And God promised man that he could find good and
obedient wives in all four corners of the world...Then He made the earth round.
14th Dec: A Christmas song for your pets: Wee-fish Ewe a
Mare Egrets Moose, Panda Hippo Gnu Deer!
13th Dec: If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.
12th Dec: If I had a pound for every girl that found me
unattractive, would they eventually find me attractive?
11th Dec: A textbook quote that amused me: The
hypothalamus plays a vital role in regulating our basic drives - sometimes known as the "4 F's": Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding and Mating.
10th Dec: Before challenging a politician, wait until you
see the sleights of his lies.
9th Dec: Life is short. Smile while you still have
teeth.
8th Dec: I saw a girl texting and driving today. It really
annoyed me, so much so, I felt compelled to roll down my window and throw my beer at her.
7th Dec: Soon after I met my first girlfriend she told me
she was bi, later I discovered she meant polar.
6th Dec: Eavesdropping on famous people - Pierre to Marie
Curie: "My dear, you look positively radiant today!"
5th Dec: At this time of year it's worth remembering,
boobytrap is partyboob backwards...Party on!
4th Dec: Two or three glasses of wine a day can
effectively reduce your risk of giving a damn.
3rd Dec: Auditioning for a play I was asked, 'Can you burp
on cue?' After careful consideration I replied, 'I'm pretty sure I can burp on all of the letters.'
2nd Dec: Would those of you who believe in psychokinesis,
please raise my hand.
1st Dec: Dialogue from my new book all parents can relate
to: "The smell was so bad, I never changed that nappy, that nappy changed me."
30th Nov: I complemented a friend of mine on growing a
brilliant Movember moustache today. Oddly she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore.
29th Nov: My son wrote to Santa Claus "Please send me a
sister." He wrote back: "I'd love to. Please send me your mother."
28th Nov: There are few things funnier than picking an
argument with your wife when she has hiccups.
27th Nov: I'm great at multitasking; I can waste time, be
unproductive and procrastinate simultaneously.
26th Nov: Women spend more time wondering what men are
thinking than men spend thinking.
25th Nov: Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy
beautician.
24th Nov: People sometimes ask me, "How did I escape
Iraq?" The simple answer is, "Iran."
23rd Nov: Married men may as well forget their mistakes.
There's not much point in both husband and wife remembering the same thing.
22nd Nov: If my wife is laughing at my jokes, it means we
have guests.
21st Nov: When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me
or him? I told him; everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
20th Nov: Sometimes, when I'm driving, I snore so loudly
it scares everyone in the car.
19th Nov: In the 1950's 50% of men leaving their house
kissed their wives goodbye. Now, 88% of men, when they leave their wives, kiss their house goodbye.
18th Nov: I used to be a freelance journalist. I confess,
I wasn't very good, Lance is still in prison.
17th Nov: It's getting harder to buy advent calendars, I
think their days are numbered.
16th Nov: As I approach the pearly gates I find myself
reflecting on life and on all of those things I regret...Like spending £4,000 on pearly gates.
15th Nov: Did you know Horatio Nelson was one of 11
children? Only one of them was called Horatio. That's Horatio of 1:11.
14th Nov: I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my
father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
13th Nov:
Arguing with my wife is a lot like reading a software licence...Half way through I find I'm giving up and clicking "I agree".
12th Nov:
Photography apart, being an author is the only job I can think of where you can shoot people and cut their heads off without going to prison.
11th Nov: My
family coat of arms ties at the back...Is that normal?
10th Nov: The
first time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper...She was wearing massive gloves.
9th Nov: Could
a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray be considered a seasoned veteran?
8th Nov: Red
sky at night, shepherds delight. Blue sky in the morning, day.
7th Nov: I've
just this second grasped the fundamental difference between a Hippo and a Zippo - One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
6th Nov: So
far I've been asked out on a date only once this year...April 1st.
5th Nov:
Auto-correct has become my worst enema.
4th Nov: If
you are talking on your phone in a restaurant and have a poor signal, I advise you never to say aloud: "The service is really crap here."
3rd Nov: When
you clean out a vacuum cleaner, do you become a vacuum cleaner?
2nd Nov: If I
discover a new animal today I think I'll call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.
1st Nov: As a
writer I've become very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
31st Oct: My
wife took me to KFC on Saturday. Honestly, when she told me we were going I got very excited; I thought we were off to see a football match.
30th Oct: I've
got sensitive teeth. If they ever find out I've told you, I'll be in all kinds of trouble.
29th Oct: I
lost ten pounds this week, or as my wife likes to call it, "The baby".
28th Oct:
There is nothing worse than hating your job with a passion your boss claims you lack.
27th Oct: Most
of my life I've spent avoiding conflict, although I do have a hankering to visit Syria.
26th Oct:
Before my doctor diagnosed the problem I used to shout abuse at cows. Turns out, I'm dairy intolerant.
25th Oct: If
your wife's in a rage and asks you if you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pit Bull, never guess, "Lipstick?"
24th Oct: Our
film and media lecturer's talent in the subject is such that he probably thinks Brad Pitt is a coalmine in South Wales.
23rd Oct: The
next time I step into a crowded lift I'm tempted to say, "I expect you're all wondering why I gathered you here..."
22nd Oct: A
successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
21st Oct: Why
are dark colours so good at hiding your body shape and yet totally incapable of hiding dust?
20th Oct: It
always concerns me when I see a toy advertised with batteries free of charge.
19th Oct: A
guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
18th Oct: I
saw this advert in a window that said, "TV for sale. £1. Volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
17th Oct:
Kids: You spend the first 2 years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 16 praying they'll sit down and shut up.
16th Oct: It's
a pity - All the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
15th Oct: Yes,
I think I'd make a good diplomat. I'd like to live in Paris with all the other Parisites.
14th Oct: Our
schools may need improvement. I met a kid today who thought the fallopian tube was the Athens underground.
13th Oct:
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
12th Oct:
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
11th Oct: It's
my Birthday! "Maybe now you'll act your age," she said. I replied, "I don't know how to act my age - I've never been this old before."
10th Oct: My
wife says: Practice safe text; use commas and never miss a period.
9th Oct: All
men are cremated equal.
8th Oct: I
love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
7th Oct: I'm
having a bad day. It started with an argument, then my ex got flattened by a bus, and now, to add insult to injury, I've been fired from my job bus driving.
6th Oct: This
morning I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with Guess on it. Taking in the full ensemble I guessed: Single.
5th Oct: Money
can't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
4th Oct:
Forget Goldilocks. I want to know why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.
3rd Oct:
Historical fact: After Julius was stabbed in 44 BC the Roman Empire was cut in half by a pair of Caesars.
2nd Oct: I
can't help but think of Disneyland as a people trap set by a mouse.
1st Oct: When
I have a problem writing I hardly ever roll a joint. When I do though, it's generally my wrist.
30th Sep:
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
29th Sep:
Disillusioned, my neighbour says: Marriage is like playing a game of cards; you begin with two hearts and a diamond and end up needing a club and a spade.
28th Sep: For
days, someone has been sneaking into my vegetable garden in the dead of night... adding top soil. The plot thickens.
27th Sep:
Tired of tailgating Audi's? Try this as a bumper sticker: "If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"
26th Sep: I
had a dream last night. I was slicing vegetables with the Grim Reaper. This morning it occurs to me, I was dicing with death.
25th Sep: This
bookshop sign tickled me: Dinosaurs didn't read, now they're extinct. Coincidence?
24th Sep: A
man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shihtzu.
23rd Sep: My
wife thinks I'm crazy. She may have a point...but then again, I'm not the one that married me!
22nd Sep: Do
you ever get to that stage, where you're half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
21st Sep:
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen saying, "Parking Fine." That was nice.
20th Sep: A
cold meat breakfast in Germany today. I'm hoping for the breast but planning for the wurst.
19th Sep: You
know you're a psychopath when you're relieved that knocking is coming from the trunk and not the engine.
18th Sep: How
can you tell if you've run out of invisible ink?
17th Sep: Last
night proved it; Beauty IS in the eye of the beer holder...I'm so grateful.
16th Sep:
Whoever it was that put the "S" in "Fast Food" must have been a marketing genius.
15th Sep: I
had an IQ test recently. I am delighted to report the results were negative.
14th Sep: I've
just watched a cooking programme on TV. Apparently it's wrong to use the kitchen smoke detector as a timer. Who knew?
13th Sep: I
don't believe in sceptics.
12th Sep: I
find modern Orchestra trends disturbing - Too much sax and violins.
11th Sep: "Put
your hand up if you have no intention of ever participating in market research."
10th Sep: The
only way my girl could get me to watch "Fifty Shades of Grey" is if she tied me up and forced me to watch it.
9th Sep: Hey,
just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
8th Sep:
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
7th Sep: Does
a dyslexic devil worshiper sell his soul to Santa?
6th Sep: When
I have a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children - just like it says on the bottle.
5th Sep: After
Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W. T. F.
4th Sep:
Children in the back seats of cars can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seats of cars can cause children.
3rd Sep: If
you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
2nd Sep: My
therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
1st Sep: I
like birthdays, but too many can kill you.
31st Aug:
Sometimes the first step on the path to forgiveness is realising the other person was born an idiot.
30th Aug: My
girlfriend's father asked me what I do. In hindsight, "Your daughter" perhaps wasn't the best answer.
29th Aug: When
wearing a bikini women reveal 90% of their bodies. Being the gentleman that I am, I swear, I only look at the covered parts.
28th Aug:
Keeping a positive attitude is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
27th Aug:
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
26th Aug: I've
just been on a once-in-a lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
25th Aug:
Earth...Without Art it's just "Eh".
24th Aug:
Mother-in-law is an anagram of Woman Hitler. Coincidence?
23rd Aug:
Hedgehogs. Why don't they just share the hedge?
22nd Aug: Last
year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven't met yet.
21st Aug: Do
Zebra's have stripes to keep them from being spotted?
20th Aug: I
put my Grandma on speed-dial. I call that number "Instagram".
19th Aug: I
used to date a girl who worked for BP. I loved her deeply, yet she dumped me. I still can't pass a petrol station without filling up.
18th Aug:
Whoever invented "Knock-Knock" jokes should get a No-Bell prize!
17th Aug:
Could stealing someone's coffee be considered a mugging?
16th Aug: I
have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.
15th Aug: My
Son's a lecturer at Cardiff Uni. His philosophy: "College is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink."
14th Aug: I
bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom". They really need to rethink this product; my head's freezing and I can barely walk.
13th Aug: My
anger management coach is really beginning to tick me off!
12th Aug: I do
not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life well, in every way, hoping and striving everyday to make you happy.
11th Aug: I'm
contemplating writing a book about a man who's consistently late. Thinking of calling it, "Go set a watch, Man!"
10th Aug: Who
would have thought it? "Dammit I'm mad" is "Dammit I'm mad" spelled backwards.
9th Aug: I've
decided to procrastinate...right now. Don't see any reason to put it off.
8th Aug: I
hate making spelling errors on my website. I mix up two lousy letters on a post and it's urined.
7th Aug: My
Boss told me, "Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
6th Aug: How
do you think the unthinkable? With an Itheberg.
5th Aug: Irony
is when someone writes; "Your an idiot." Learn grammar, insult properly.
4th Aug: When
I get bored, I like to call in sick to places I don't work.
3rd Aug:
Bowling is my ideal sport - Hours of drinking, occasionally interrupted by six second bursts of exercise.
2nd Aug: To an
optimist, the glass is half full. To a pessimist, the glass is half empty. To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
1st Aug: If
money doesn't grow in trees, why do banks have branches?
31st Jul: I
surveyed 100 women, asking which shampoo they preferred when showering. Almost all of them gave the same response: "How the hell did you get in here?!"
30th Jul: Two
goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other saying, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
29th Jul: At
the bank this morning I asked the teller to check my balance...She pushed me.
28th Jul:
Rather than "The John", I call my bathroom "The Jim". That way it sounds better, when I say, "I'm off to the Jim" first thing in the morning.
27th Jul: In
later life Gandhi walked barefoot, was frail and had bad breath. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis?
26th Jul: I
told my psychiatrist I've been hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.
25th Jul:
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence - Join the Wallace initiative - Eat Cheese. Gromit.
24th Jul: I
was asked if I'd run the London Marathon for charity. I declined. Honestly, I don't have the experience to organise an event that big.
23rd Jul:
Apparently, California has the highest rate of depression and adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.
22nd Jul:
Spotted on a T Shirt: If things get better with age, I must be approaching magnificence.
21st Jul:
Creating a masterpiece is a work of heart.
20th Jul: Be
careful when you blindly follow the Masses...Sometimes the 'M' is silent.
19th Jul: I
think it's so unfair that only one company can make the game Monopoly.
18th Jul: Why
is it, every time I see a picture of a person in a magazine, that looks like me, it has a caption above it: "Before."?
17th Jul:
Attention Deficit Disorder - Why did they give it such a long name?
16th Jul: Is
my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.
15th Jul: I
think I'm becoming dyslexic - I just walked into a bra.
14th Jul: The
fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
13th Jul:
Morris dancing is somewhat more challenging than I expected... I keep falling off the bonnet.
12th Jul:
Sunbathing today with a good book. I'm not being lazy, I'm evaluating my energy saving mode.
11th Jul: The
problem with the world today...Intelligent people are full of doubts while stupid people are full of confidence.
10th Jul: If
plan "A" fails, remember, you still have 25 letters left!
9th Jul:
People have started putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich called Bob.
8th Jul: My
TVR is not as quick as I thought. It took well over a minute this morning for my wallet to go from £70 to zero.
7th Jul: If
you could read the mind of a thriller author, you'd back away slowly, then run for your life.
6th Jul:
There's a lot to be said for being a man of few words. For instance...
5th Jul:
Sometimes I think my greatest accomplishment is having mastered the ability to keep my mouth shut.
4th Jul:
Remember it's i before e, except when you're running a feisty heist against a weird foreign neighbour.
3rd Jul:
Life's a dilemma: At 20 we have time, energy, but no money. At 45, energy, money, but no time. At 70, money, time, but no energy.
2nd Jul: The
secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
1st Jul: Words
cannot express how limited my vocabulary is today.
30th Jun: I
hate people who use big words just to make themselves appear perspicacious. Don't you?
29th Jun:
Whenever I offer an opinion to my wife, I have to remember..."This conversation may be recorded for training and quality purposes."
28th Jun:
Sinner-man. One day you're the best thing since sliced bread, the next, you're toast.
27th Jun:
There are three kinds of people. Those that can count and those that can't.
26th Jun:
Intelligence is like underwear. It's important to have it, but not all that necessary to show it off.
25th Jun: This
morning, making breakfast, I stopped the microwave at 007... just to see how it felt to be Bond in Goldfinger.
24th Jun:
Nothing brings you greater peace than minding your own business.
23rd Jun: What
if, after you die, God asks you; "So, how was heaven?"
22nd Jun:
Someone ripped pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse.
21st Jun: A
conversation with my son: "You'd make a great father," I said. "Why?" he asked. "I've got a 6th sense," I replied, "I see dad people."
20th Jun: I
watched a documentary this morning: "How old steam trains were held together". Riveting!
19th Jun: Men
at 20 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed how as you get older your balls get smaller?
18th Jun: I've
just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something scary is about to happen...I can feel it.
17th Jun: If I
were a funeral director I think I'd tie the deceased's shoe laces together. If ever there was a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.
16th Jun: I
went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
15th Jun: I
love selling stuff on eBay to people who don't know me. I've sold the same homing pigeon 24 times now.
14th Jun: I
left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now?
13th Jun: When
I see lovers names engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic...I find it alarming. Why do so many people take knives with them on dates?
12th Jun: If
you see me talking to myself, don't be alarmed. I'm getting expert advice.
11th Jun: My
wife asked me to play doctors with her. She's now waiting for three hours outside the bedroom.
10th Jun: My
Mother, 86 today, asked for "Something Cuban" for her birthday. I bought her a Che Guevara T-shirt and some heels - Clothes but no cigar.
9th Jun:
Someone just stole my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
8th Jun: I
keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.
7th Jun:
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could see myself doing.
6th Jun: Give
a man a fish and he will eat for a day...Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
5th Jun: My
fear of moving stairs is escalating.
4th Jun: Matt
Damon - That guy doesn't know he's Bourne!
3rd Jun: I was
sacked from the psychology post because of the depression...It cheered me up no end.
2nd Jun: My
wife accused me of being a transvestite...So I packed her things and left.
1st Jun: I
love everybody! Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid and some I'd dearly love to punch.
31st May: I'll
never forget my granddad's last words to me just before he died..."You're still holding the ladder, right?"
30th May: A
while ago I played guitar in a band called "Sold Out!". Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
29th May: My
ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. In all honesty, I should have seen the signs.
28th May: My
grandfather was beaten to death by my grandma. Not with a stick, you understand, she just died first.
27th May:
"Always be yourself," my Dad said to me. He was a terrific guy, alas not the world's greatest actor.
26th May:
According to my wife, "Sex is so much more fulfilling on holiday."...Not exactly the best thing to read on a postcard.
25th May: When
my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with "The Monkees", I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face...
24th May:
"Where do you want this big roll of bubble-wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours.
23rd May: My
wife just found out that I've replaced our bed with a trampoline...She hit the roof!
22nd May: In
my experience it is easier to get into something than to get out of it.
21st May: I'd
rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
20th May: I no
longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling...After a win on the lottery I moved to Spain.
19th May: A
shepherd once asked me to count his 37 sheep and round them up. So, I told him there were 40.
18th May: One
day I'll write a book on procrastination.
17th May:
Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?
16th May:
Curious about my ancestors, I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.
15th May: I
called EasyJet to book a flight. The woman asked, "How many people will be flying with you?" I answered, "Surely, you know the answer to that, better than I do...it's your plane."
14th May: If
you think you are too small to make a difference...try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.
13th May: I
opened a fortune cookie last night. It said, "You will meet a tall dark strangler." I hope that was a typo!
12th May: If
dentists make money from people with bad teeth, why should we trust the toothpaste they recommend?
11th May: Need
a reason to be grateful? Check your pulse.
10th May: A
recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live significantly longer than those men that mention it.
9th May: Why
do people say; "I slept like a baby," when babies wake up every two hours?
8th May: Of
all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
7th May:
Relationships are a lot like algebra - Ever looked at your ex and wondered why?
6th May: I
like to wear my lucky pants. I've had them for 10 years and I'm sticking to them.
5th May: I
joined a wine club recently. We meet every morning at 9 o'clock in the park.
4th May: I've
been researching how a Stannah Stairlift works. Apparently it has a lot to do with Nanna Technology.
3rd May:
Laughter is nowhere near as good as actual medicine!
2nd May: It's
an odd thing but, every time I eat at a German-Chinese restaurant I find, a half an hour later, I'm hungry for power!
1st May: I got
invited to a party and was told "Dress to Kill!" Apparently, a turban, beard and dynamite belt weren't what they had in mind.
30th Apr: A survey woman called and asked what bread I liked. I answered, white. She then proceeded to give me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread. I think she was a Hovis
Witness.
29th Apr: Breaking News: A mummy has been discovered in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
28th Apr: The cashier said to me, "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card?"
27th Apr: Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Wide eyed and awestruck she replies, "Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?"
26th Apr: A wife, standing naked in front of her husband, says, "I look horrible, I'm fat and ugly, please pay me a compliment." Anxious to boost her confidence, he replies, "Your
eyesight is perfect."
25th Apr: I think I'll take my Ex out tonight...one bullet should do it.
24th Apr: Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are now in hospital...one's in a Korma...the other's got a dodgy
Tikka.
23rd Apr: Seeking my advice, my mother said to me, "I can't stop letting out silent farts. What do you think I should do?" I replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
22nd Apr: I don't like Rap music, but I don't mean to denigrate those that do. For those that like Rap music, denigrate means 'put down'.
21st Apr: Chilly, two Eskimos in a kayak lit a fire. It sank. Proving once and for all - you can't have your kayak and heat it.
20th Apr: I'd hoped to buy some camouflage trousers today but I couldn't find any.
19th Apr: Spring is here! I'm so excited I wet my plants!
18th Apr: Bake a man a cake and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to bake, and you'll be cleaning for a week.
17th Apr: My wife says PMS jokes are not funny. Period.
16th Apr: They called it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
15th Apr: Cupid's a little sod. When his arrows go in, no problem. It's when he pulls them out again I could kill him.
14th Apr: Life's so unfair to women: If a man turns up to an evening event in a tuxedo, and other men are wearing the same, he figures he's got it right.
13th Apr: If you believe in reincarnation, don't forget to leave everything to yourself in your will.
12th Apr: Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
11th Apr: A good girl asks for permission, a bad girl asks for forgiveness.
10th Apr: For a year now I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection programme.
9th Apr: Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring and offspring.
8th Apr: I'd like to tell you a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
7th Apr: I went out drinking last night and afterwards took a bus home. That may not be such a big deal for you; I'd never driven a bus before.
6th Apr: Lord, give me Coffee to change the things I can change, and Whisky to accept the things I can't.
5th Apr: When a lady says no, she means maybe. When a lady says maybe, she means yes. When a lady says yes, she's no lady.
4th Apr: My wife accuses me of not taking her seriously and questioning everything she says. She's just kidding, right?
3rd Apr: I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, "I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is." He said, "You have to love Easter,
baby."
2nd Apr: Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you (when they're in trouble again).
1st Apr: I've recently started meditating - I find it more productive than sitting around doing nothing.
31st Mar: Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
30th Mar: Some say the colours Red, White and Blue stand for freedom. That may not be the case if they are flashing behind you.
29th Mar: I never wanted to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
28th Mar: I wonder if the guy who invented the drawing board got it right first time.
27th Mar: I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit on the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.
26th Mar: My wife's grammar is really bad sometimes. It's "I'm going to" a fair, not "I'm having an"... So cute!
25th Mar: I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" I woke up with a start.
24th Mar: After 5 months out of work, 3 job offers came on the same day. Typical - you wait ages for a boss...
23rd Mar: I asked my doctor to give me something for persistent wind - He gave me a kite.
22nd Mar: Why is it, that when you treat people the same way they treat you, they get offended?
21st Mar: I saw this bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, "That's ABBA-riginal."
20th Mar: You stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aircraft and everyone joins in.
19th Mar: Today my doctor told me I've got Hypochondria. "Can you prescribe pills for that?" I asked.
18th Mar: Nothing ruins a Sunday more that waking up and realising it's Monday.
17th Mar: Conjunctivitis.com - A site for sore eyes.
16th Mar: When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank - We couldn't afford a dog.
15th Mar:
Wondering who sent you a card on Valentines day: Good. Wondering who sent you a card on Fathers day: Not so good.
14th Mar: It's thanks to the efforts of men like my granddad that we don't speak German today. He single-handedly killed 14 language teachers
13th Mar: I remember being in a psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking, "Those stupid dogs." Then the bell went and we all had lunch.
12th Mar: Money-wise I'm set for life - Provided I die next Tuesday.
11th Mar: I stopped camping in the countryside immediately after I realised; every time the police found a body, it was always in a tent.
10th Mar: The geek shall inherit the earth.
9th Mar: Charismatic? Our local politician's the kind of person that lights up a room by flicking a switch.
8th Mar: I went into the disabled toilets at work today. In all honesty, I couldn't see anything wrong with them.
7th Mar: Crufts Business News: "Fido's" The famous dog biscuit manufacturer have just announced they're calling in the retriever.
6th Mar: So many people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years time...Perhaps they think I have 2020 vision?
5th Mar: Sometimes it's hard to see the honest through the sleaze.
4th Mar: Anyone who says, "I'd like to be a fly on the wall when so-and-so speaks to so-and-so," seriously overestimates the intellectual capacity of
flies.
3rd Mar: Assuming I wasn't paying attention in her lesson, my English teacher pointed at me with a challenge. "Name two pronouns." she said. Startled, I replied, "Who?
Me?"
2nd Mar: I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
1st Mar: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
28th Feb: Does anyone else miss the days before Twitter & Facebook, when you could carry around your pet or plate of food to show to complete
strangers?
27th Feb: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
26th Feb: If I go to Heaven, I'll go for the climate. If I go to Hell, I'll go for the company.
25th Feb: I was put here on earth to help others, what the others are doing here baffles me.
24th Feb: My
son has a new girlfriend...Love is in the heir!
23rd Feb: There's no point in taking life too seriously, you never get out of it alive.
22nd Feb: The
average person thinks he isn't.
21st Feb:
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
20th Feb: An
archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have, the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
19th Feb: If you get a good wife you'll become happy, if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
18th Feb:
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he won't expect it back.
17th Feb: I can't wait until I become successful enough to stop seeking attention and start complaining about it.
16th Feb: To
this day, the kid who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches
15th Feb: "I thought you'd be a lot younger," she said. I replied, "I used to be."
14th Feb: A
Valentines thought ladies; Byron, Keats and Shelley - The ultimate Snog, Marry, Avoid?
13th Feb: When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
12th Feb: Never forget you're unique, like everyone else.
11th Feb: I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
10th Feb: I'm on a whisky diet, I've lost three days already.
9th Feb: Before we joined the European common market a litre was something a Scotsman lit his fag with.
8th Feb: I'm sure Humphrey Bogart was actually a Mathematician. Wasn't it he who coined the phrase "Here's looking at Euclid"?
7th Feb: Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people who appear bright turn out to be dull when you hear them speak.
6th Feb: I'm making Chicken Tarka tonight. It's like Chicken Tikka, only otter.
5th Feb: When I was younger, my brother used to hit me if I played with his camera. I still have flash-backs.
4th Feb: This morning's writing spell has been about as successful as rearranging the deck-chairs on the Titanic.
3rd Feb: I've just found a great book; "The History of Glue". I can't put it down.
2nd Feb: MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdowns...Do all women's problems begin with men?
1st Feb: I've just bought some Armageddon cheese. It says on the packet: "Best before end".
31st Jan: So, what if I can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
30th Jan: I'm beginning to think my dog is obsessed with communication. He stops at every tree to check wee-mails.
29th Jan: Is atheism is a non-prophet organisation?
28th Jan: She may only be a whisky maker, but I love her still.
27th Jan: When my daughter gets married this year, she'll get a new name and a dress.
26th Jan: When my wife saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
25th Jan: Teamwork always makes the dream work.
24th Jan: I was born with a photographic memory, unfortunately it was never developed.
23rd Jan: Thoughts whilst writing: I'm a genius. I'm useless. I'm a genius. I'm useless. I need cereal.
22nd Jan: Incredible to think the Chinese language started off as English in England, and then one person whispered it to another person...
21st Jan: You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.
20th Jan: In spite of advances in modern medicine, life is still 100% fatal.
19th Jan: This morning I saw a worrying sign in a hospital waiting room: "Thieves operate in this area"
18th Jan: They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
17th Jan: How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
16th Jan: Grammar is the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.
15th Jan: My
best friend would often say to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt." Nice man. Made horrible tea.
14th Jan: Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
13th Jan: You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
12th Jan: I've been shopping three times this week and bought nothing but wine - I'm worried, I may be becoming a shopaholic.
11th Jan: I dream of a better world; where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
10th Jan: Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show, that those people who have the most, live the longest.
9th Jan: I
tried to catch some fog. Just mist.
8th Jan: Sometimes I feel as useless as the 'ueue' in queue.
7th Jan: I
know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop at anytime.
6th Jan: A
boiled egg is hard to beat.
5th Jan:
Definition of pointless: Two bald men fighting over a comb.
4th Jan: So I
asked the Scotsman, "Did you have terrible spots as a kid?" He said, "Ac ne."
3rd Jan: I
take pride in the fact that I'm always modest.
2nd Jan:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex - A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by a woman's husband.
1st Jan:
Should the first prize in a fishing competition be called "The Cod's Pollocks"?
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